Today is August 23, 2019
Join Now! | Home | Sign in | FAQ | Help
My One True Life by wayward heart
December 2002
1Winding Down // Ms. Fix-it
2Winter Wonderland
3Tuesday Tidbits and Soupsicles
4Care Bears and Christmas Preparations
5Holiday Favorites Survey
6i treasure every gifty // Sending Christmas Cards
7Sunshiny Saturday // Oh Doe...Dot a code id by doze....
8Restless Night
9(S)ick with the annual "itis"
10Forget "Chicken Soup"....
11Don't bother me, i'm taking a sick day
12A Thank You Note (and a reply)
13Friday Night Fluff
14Dreams are not enough
15 Drizzly, Dark, and Dreary
16The Baking Elf Arrives
17Quote Du Jour // Quiet Day, Quiet Night, Quiet Feeling
18Peaceful Solitude // Christmas Gift Dilemma
19Quote Du Jour // Merrily i roll along......
20Screw the Balls...and other Christmas Traditions // New Journalist
22Baccala and Christmas Themes // Just a big kid
23Quote Du Jour // What do you do with a Drunken Aussie?
24Last night's email correspondence // Quote Du Jour Holiday Wishes // One More Sleep Till Christmas
25A Very White Christmas
26Old Friends and other stuff
27Nothing much
28A Garbo Night
29Best of Both Worlds // The MochaMobile
30Christmas Came Again
31New Year's Eve Traditions New and Old

August 2019
July 2019
June 2019
May 2019
April 2019
March 2019
February 2019
January 2019
December 2018
November 2018
October 2018
September 2018
August 2018
July 2018
June 2018
May 2018
April 2018
March 2018
February 2018
January 2018
December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
June 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
December 2016
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
June 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
February 2016
January 2016
December 2015
November 2015
October 2015
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
January 2015
December 2014
November 2014
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
November 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013
May 2013
April 2013
March 2013
February 2013
January 2013
December 2012
November 2012
October 2012
September 2012
August 2012
July 2012
June 2012
May 2012
April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
December 2011
November 2011
October 2011
September 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
February 2010
January 2010
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002

Dreams are not enough
December 14, 2002

The snow never got here. Instead we had a day of rain, rain, rain. A very cold, and at times, very heavy rain. Now and then, a few wet flakes would get in the mix, but it never changed over to snow.

So, we went out and ran errands. In two hours we managed to go to the pet store for dogfood, to WalMart for H's prescriptions, to the bakery outlet store, to BJ's for orange juice, bananas and a few other staples, and the gas station. And we still made it home in time for the skating at 2pm!

i also cleaned the bathroom today, did two loads of laundry, changed the sheets on the bed, and folded and put the wash away. Dinner was leftover pizza, so no work there. Been a busy day, but not too busy....we did watch all six hours of skating, too!

i'm still having trouble sleeping through the night....i wake up every hour or so coughing, and/or too stuffed up to breathe. If i wake up coughing, it makes me have to blow my nose. And if i wake up having to blow my nose, it sets off a coughing jag. And then, naturally, i have to pee from all the coughing and nose blowing. i can't win...and i can't sleep. Tonight, i'm taking Robitussin...double dose. Blood pressure be damned....i need some good quality, uninterrupted sleep!

Haven't seen alot of L lately. Well, maybe that's not quite accurate: we did watch all of "Taken" together. But it seems we don't spend much time just talking...other than commenting on the program we're watching.

It's just about 6 years since we met online. Neither of us ever remembered the exact date that we decided we were an "us"...but near as we can figure, it was sometime in mid-December, just before Christmas.

When i think back to then....sometimes i'm amazed to think we're still "together". Other times, i feel a little sad....cause things certainly haven't turned out the way i imagined they would back then.

It's not that i don't love him. i do. It's not that i'm not still "in love" with him, either. i am....and yet, it is different than what i'd hoped for.

When we met online, i was very definitely unhappy in my marriage. Actively unhappy. Desperately unhappy. And i'd been unhappy in it for a long, long time. i wasn't consciously looking for a lover, or looking for a way out of my marriage, though. i was looking And having someone to validate my feelings, to listen, to care, to be "there" for me....even if it was only text on a screen...mattered alot to me.

i hadn't intended to "fall in love". That was long behind me, or so i told myself. But eventually, i did fall in love with L. And he with me.

We've had our misunderstandings and our struggles. i learned alot about love, and intimacy, and being in a relationship where people talk to each other, and work things out. Not in an "I win, you lose" way...but in a way where both feel understood, feel loved, and both "win" because of it.

It took me time to learn it was safe to trust him, to share my innermost feelings with him. That he wouldn't belittle or betray them. He never has.

We never talked about making a life together. There were never promises of "someday". He never asked me to join him in Texas, and i knew he never would. But although no promises were ever made, i still dreamed. i still hoped. i wore rose-colored glasses, and i believed.....

Little by little though, those glasses faded. The hopes and dreams died. Now, i realize that, even if he were to ask, i wouldn't go. Maybe he knew that all along.

In letting those hopes go, i lost something. i know i couldn't cling to them, and accepting that was important, and the best/only/right thing to do...but it didn't come without a cost. i had to let go of some of "us". i find i don't share my innermost feelings with him the way i used to. There is a distance between us that has nothing to do with geography. It isn't his's mine.

i gave him all my heart and soul, wanted nothing more than to be with him, to be his. Once that dream died....i took my soul back. There is still love and trust....but it's not what it was. Not what it might have been. Not what i longed for, and believed i'd found. Maybe it isn't possible for that kind of dream to ever come true. But i know i came close. For that, i will always be grateful to was a beautiful dream, and we got to share it for awhile.

What we have is comfortable and lovely...but there is still a sense of loss for me. And for once, it's not something i can talk about with him. How do i begin to explain? "We" were supposed to be more than what we are. The fault, the lack, or whatever lies in me, not in him. i love him, and love what we have....despite the moments when i feel lonely, disappointed, and....yes, even angry...but whether at him, at us, or just at myself...i don't know.

Login to select
your favorite journals


Visit my Forum

© Website Copyright 2002 by
© Journal Content Copyright 2002 by the Author
Terms of Service Agreement
Privacy Policy