|Dreams are not enough|
December 14, 2002
The snow never got here. Instead we had a day of rain, rain, rain. A very cold, and at times, very heavy rain. Now and then, a few wet flakes would get in the mix, but it never changed over to snow.
So, we went out and ran errands. In two hours we managed to go to the pet store for dogfood, to WalMart for H's prescriptions, to the bakery outlet store, to BJ's for orange juice, bananas and a few other staples, and the gas station. And we still made it home in time for the skating at 2pm!
i also cleaned the bathroom today, did two loads of laundry, changed the sheets on the bed, and folded and put the wash away. Dinner was leftover pizza, so no work there. Been a busy day, but not too busy....we did watch all six hours of skating, too!
i'm still having trouble sleeping through the night....i wake up every hour or so coughing, and/or too stuffed up to breathe. If i wake up coughing, it makes me have to blow my nose. And if i wake up having to blow my nose, it sets off a coughing jag. And then, naturally, i have to pee from all the coughing and nose blowing. i can't win...and i can't sleep. Tonight, i'm taking Robitussin...double dose. Blood pressure be damned....i need some good quality, uninterrupted sleep!
Haven't seen alot of L lately. Well, maybe that's not quite accurate: we did watch all of "Taken" together. But it seems we don't spend much time just talking...other than commenting on the program we're watching.
It's just about 6 years since we met online. Neither of us ever remembered the exact date that we decided we were an "us"...but near as we can figure, it was sometime in mid-December, just before Christmas.
When i think back to then....sometimes i'm amazed to think we're still "together". Other times, i feel a little sad....cause things certainly haven't turned out the way i imagined they would back then.
It's not that i don't love him. i do. It's not that i'm not still "in love" with him, either. i am....and yet, it is different than what i'd hoped for.
When we met online, i was very definitely unhappy in my marriage. Actively unhappy. Desperately unhappy. And i'd been unhappy in it for a long, long time. i wasn't consciously looking for a lover, or looking for a way out of my marriage, though. i was looking for....me. And having someone to validate my feelings, to listen, to care, to be "there" for me....even if it was only text on a screen...mattered alot to me.
i hadn't intended to "fall in love". That was long behind me, or so i told myself. But eventually, i did fall in love with L. And he with me.
We've had our misunderstandings and our struggles. i learned alot about love, and intimacy, and being in a relationship where people talk to each other, and work things out. Not in an "I win, you lose" way...but in a way where both feel understood, feel loved, and both "win" because of it.
It took me time to learn it was safe to trust him, to share my innermost feelings with him. That he wouldn't belittle or betray them. He never has.
We never talked about making a life together. There were never promises of "someday". He never asked me to join him in Texas, and i knew he never would. But although no promises were ever made, i still dreamed. i still hoped. i wore rose-colored glasses, and i believed.....
Little by little though, those glasses faded. The hopes and dreams died. Now, i realize that, even if he were to ask, i wouldn't go. Maybe he knew that all along.
In letting those hopes go, i lost something. i know i couldn't cling to them, and accepting that was important, and the best/only/right thing to do...but it didn't come without a cost. i had to let go of some of "us". i find i don't share my innermost feelings with him the way i used to. There is a distance between us that has nothing to do with geography. It isn't his fault...it's mine.
i gave him all my heart and soul, wanted nothing more than to be with him, to be his. Once that dream died....i took my soul back. There is still love and trust....but it's not what it was. Not what it might have been. Not what i longed for, and believed i'd found. Maybe it isn't possible for that kind of dream to ever come true. But i know i came close...so close. For that, i will always be grateful to L...it was a beautiful dream, and we got to share it for awhile.
What we have is comfortable and lovely...but there is still a sense of loss for me. And for once, it's not something i can talk about with him. How do i begin to explain? "We" were supposed to be more than what we are. The fault, the lack, or whatever lies in me, not in him. i love him, and love what we have....despite the moments when i feel lonely, disappointed, and....yes, even angry...but whether at him, at us, or just at myself...i don't know.