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My One True Life by wayward heart
July 2004
1Lights Out // Weird Little Man
2Will this ever end? // One Brief Shining Moment
4Does This Really Need a Title??
5These Feets Were Made For Walkin'
6Quote Du Jour // Almost Done
7Movie Survey // DONE!!!
8Ready To Go
17Surprises // Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Weirder.....
18And the Survey Says: // Still the Kool-Aid Mom
19Quote Du Jour // Just Monday
20Too Many Messes
21Just Bitching
22More Bitching
23Peace and Quiet
24Holding On // Playlist for a Breakdown
25Putting Myself Back Together (for now)
27Straddle Your Noodles // Highlight
28Normal's Not Good Enough Any More // WAH!!!
29Every Now And Then It Boils Over
30Seeing the Counselor // Conversation
31A Little Prayer // Cue Gloria Gaynor

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Will this ever end? // One Brief Shining Moment
July 2, 2004

I should be working out. I did a 20 min T'ai Chi tape, was about to do the Pilates tape, when the VCR decided to eat it! So now, i have the resistance bands, but no video. I have the CD, and i took a look at the poses and said: "You have got to be kidding!"

Hopefully Media Play will have another copy of the tape, but i doubt it. Damn.

Today has not been a very good day, and it's only by the grace of god that i'm not in jail for murder at this point.

The roofers left at 2pm. They told H before he left for the gym that they'd be back to work "all day" (which for them seems to be 8-2) on Tues. This really pisses me off....there is NO reason why they couldn't finish this job in 3 days. It's not that big a roof.

I'm sure they work here for awhile, then go to yet another half-completed job. We still can't use the garage, cause all their shit is still in it....there are shingles in the shrubs, crap still on the roof...i am very displeased with this company.

This morning, when i went outside with Panache, (before they arrived), i noticed her water dispenser was inexplicably missing. I looked around on the ground for it, but couldn't find it.

H asked the roofers about it when they got here. The guy he spoke to didn't know anything about it, but said they probably took it off for a drink of water.

They also said they could repair the light they broke. Uh Huh. I hope they do, and do it right, or we'll be deducting the cost from the bill.

Did i mention i am not pleased with this company?

The landscapers, on the other hand, (who also left at 2pm today) are doing a fine job. The paving looks so classy and incredible. I just love it.

They told H they could reinstall the lamppost. So, he went off to Big Lots to see if he could get another one. We didn't think it very likely.

Believe it or not, they had one left. It was the floor model, and the top was cracked. But we didn't need the top....the top of our lamp was just was the base that needed replacing.

So, H got 10% off the floor model, made them disassemble it (so it would fit in his car), and brought it home. The landscapers installed it immediately, and all is well in that dept. H has the receipt, and i'm confident the landscaper will make good on it.

The roofers i wouldn't recommend to anyone. The landscapers i would gladly recommend.

H i would gladly strangle. Or stab. Or boil in oil at this point.

He's utterly beastly today.

This morning, after i told him about the water dispenser going missing, he called the roofing co...twice (in about 10 mins), insisting that "all work be suspended until these issues (the light and the water thing) are settled"

Fortunately, they came and worked anyway.

He announced to me that he was going to call them every 5 mins and leave a message until it got worked out. I snapped at him and told him to stop it. He then turned it around, and told me to "stop it", cause i was the one who told him about the dog's water dispenser being gone. i told him....i'm NOT the one who fucking went crazy and started harrassing the roofing co. And it's not like i held the phone to his ear and insisted he do so. HE's the one who went fucking nuts. Not me.

It was nice to have some peace and quiet today, though....and imagine how bad it is if i consider the sounds of roof destruction to be "peace and quiet" over having H underfoot....

Besides going to Big Lots and the bank, he also went to the JCC. He left at 12:30, returned at 2:30. I finished doing the wash, putting sheets on the bed, and writing in my journal (i hadn't written in it since the day i left for Paris. My last entry was written while waiting at JFK for Lois).

Then i phoned Mom. Unfortunately, H came home just then, and started shrieking at me for 1) being on the phone 2) complaining to Mom about the roofers (i'm sorry, but it does NOT take a solid week to put on a new roof), and 3) not going to the gym.

I really didn't want to go that late in the afternoon. I said as much to him, and he started getting ballistic about how he didn't want to hear me yell at him about his not letting me go today. And i should've been ready so i could've left the minute he got home, and if i left right then, i'd still have time to go and blah, blah, blah.

First of all, i'd already decided i didn't feel like going. Period. It had nothing to do with him, nor did i "blame" him for my not going. I didn't say a word to him about it.

Secondly, it's not up to him whether or not i go, and i know he didn't really give a fuck where i long as i got out of the house....i have a feeling he had a "date" planned....and i screwed up his plans by not leaving.


He stormed off to PetSmart to buy Panache a new water dispenser. (after i convinced him that's where i bought it originally...he kept insisting it was at Lowe's)

When he got home, i went to put it on the faucet. Since they won't be here till Tues, she can at least have fresh water till then.

As I was screwing the new one on, the sun glinted off something lying buried in the weeds. Sure was Panache's water dispenser. So, we can bring the new one back and return it. (i even put it back in the packaging, all nice and neat)

We've got tickets to go see "Camelot" tonight. I had really been looking forward to it, but now, i'm really not in the mood to go. Especially not with H. I'm hoping it'll put him in a better mood...but right now, i don't trust him not to explode at any minute, and i really can't stand even being in the same room with him (though he's sitting at his computer at the moment).

I don't want to waste the tickets, though, and i'm sure he'd be furious if i said i didn't want to go. So, i'll go. i'll probably cry. I'm in that frame of mind. Well, at least the show'll give me an 'excuse' for crying. i've a feeling i'm gonna start bawling when Lancelot sings "If Ever I Would Leave You"....heck, i'm ready to start bawling just thinking about Lancelot singing "If Ever I Would Leave You".


I've been thinking about my going to TX in Sept or Oct. And i'm having second thoughts. It's not about "getting even" with H...cause i've no intention of telling him what i'd be doing there, nor coming home with any "evidence" of what i did there (unlike H, i DO have more respect for him, and MYSELF than to be that obvious).

I was hurt, and angry at H for being that disrespectful and hurtful, and for not even caring how i'd feel (par for the course).

But going to see L won't change any of that. Being with L isn't a solution to anything. It's a nice temporary thrill, and a nice escape from things for awhile. But whatever i escape from by going there, i still have to return to....and reentry can be a bitch.

He can't give me anything more than what he has given, and that's just a nice weekend, a nice daydream. But it's not what i want. And i don't want to merely settle for "better than nothing".

Yes, it would be wonderful to feel loved and desired and all that good stuff. It'd be nice to have sex, too. But i'd still have to come back here.

So, no, L isn't the "answer". I've known that for a long time, of course, and it's stopped hurting to know that.

Right now, i don't know whether i'll decide to go anyway or not.

Oh well. i don't have to decide right now.

I should decide to go work out some more, but i'd really prefer to go lie down before i have to fix dinner, shower, and get ready for the show.

I just feel so drained......

One Brief Shining Moment....

That was known as "Camelot".

The show was fabulous. The sets were magnificent. I want my living room painted that way! I don't think i can describe it adequately, but there were scrims painted so that they looked like tree trunks, but where the upper branches would be, they were shaped to look like Gothic arches. The scrims moved, as did various stairs, furniture popped up out of the floor, or slid from behind stage. There was a screen that sometimes had a picture of the castle projected on it, and was sometimes pulled up so that it appeared to be a window. The lighting was wonderful, too...very creative use of a fairly small stage.

The entire theater is small and intimate. We were in the last row of the orchestra, left center. Row J (in other words, only 10 rows from the stage).

The stage circles the orchestra pit, and the actors come right out almost into the audience. (in fact, many exits and entrances were made through the audience.

The acting was extremely good. Lancelot had a little trouble wiz ze french acCENT...sometimes laying it on thickly, and sometimes abandoning it all together (particularly when he sang "If Ever I Would Leave You"). But as he sang well, and looked the part (young, virile, handsome, young)...the accent was a minor distraction.

Guinevere was good. She was a wee bit on the bland side, and didn't sing like Julie Andrews (who does), but she was likeable enough.

But Arthur was....oh, he was simply perfect. I fell in love with him. Oddly, the actor was bald. I'd never thought of Arthur as bald, but it didn't matter. I believed him wholly as Arthur. He had a charm, a kind of innocence. He didn't posture or overplay the role, which is what made him so believable, and made his struggle and anguish over the loss of his love, his friend, and the dream of Camelot all the more heartbreaking.

Needless to say, i was blubbering by the end of the play. And i kept asking H if we could please, please, please go see it again. (it runs till July 18th i think)

i pointed out that the theater tickets are no more expensive than his Mets tickets, and he's gone to TWO games already, with at least one more coming up...and it's a lot less $$ to drive downtown than for him to fly to NY. If nothing else, i'm hoping guilt will work....

I love live theater, but i very seldom ask to see something again during the same run. (there are a few shows i've seen more than once, but usualy years apart). But this was so beautifully done, that i'd dearly love to catch it again.

Despite not owning a decent pair of dress shoes, i wore a "dressy" that i haven't worn in several years, for the simple and obvious didn't fit. I frankly never thought i'd ever wear it again, but it fit just fine, and i was quite proud!

Oh, and i did do a little bit of a workout (15 min, 1 mile walk) after i wrote the previous entry. At least it was something more than nothing.

Now, i think i'll call the dog in, and go on to bed. Been a long day....the evening was most definitely the best part of it, too.
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