|Quote Du Jour // Just Monday|
July 19, 2004
"We live in a world of theophanies. Holiness comes wrapped in the ordinary. There are burning bushes all around you. Every tree is full of angels. Hidden beauty is waiting in every crumb. Life wants to lead you from crumbs to angels, but this can happen only if you are willing to unwrap the ordinary by staying with it long enough to harvest its treasure."
-- Macrina Wiederkehr
Fairly uneventful day. The awning guy came again today, and we ordered a plain 3"x4" white aluminum post to replace the rusty, paint-peeling white wrought iron that holds up the front stoop. I think the plain one is best, since the paving is really the showcase for the front yard now. If i feel it desperately needs color, next summer i can put a potted vine (maybe morning glories as i've always liked them) on the step, and let it climb up the post. For now though, less is more (though the sundial looks a little lonesome out there with nothing else)
We went to the JCC after the awning guy left. I don't think the renovations are going to be done anywhere near as soon as they predicted. It felt good to get back on the weight machines, though. I only did 10 mins on the elliptical, since i have water aerobics tonight.
Panache had a vet appointment this afternoon, for her rabies and booster shots. She was such a good girl. She buries her snout in the crook of my arm, and doesn't move or make a sound. The only time she got agitated, was when the vet turned her over onto her side. She did not like that at all. But she didnt' even flinch when he gave her a shot in each flank.
I've got a splitting headache suddenly. Combination of the change in barometic pressure thanks to the incoming thunderstorms, and caffeine withdrawal (i had a horrid headache all day Saturday, and it wasn't until Karen and i went out to breakfast yesterday and i ordered coffee that i made the connection). Guess it's time for my sure-fire headache remedy: 2 Excedrin, and a cup of coffee. Works every time.
Things on the homefront are calm. Feels like a holding pattern. i'm trying hard not to think too much about things. Just let whatever happens, happen.
I'm not even sure what it is i want. I guess over the years, i've gotten so accustomed to being taken for granted, and not being especially happy (but not utterly miserable, either), that i just assumed that was what the rest of my life was going to be like.
It's kind of exciting (and scary) to think there might be other possibilities. But to be honest, at this point, i can't picture this relationship changing. I can't see H and i becoming "partners" in the deepest sense. I can see us remaining housemates (with or without others on the side), and hopefully learning to appreciate each other more....but i don't see intimacy as even remotely likely between us.
The sad fact is, i don't want to be intimate with him. He does not appeal to me physically in any way, and the memories of the past do not inspire any desire or passion, or even hope of any.
I know i need to keep an open mind, and allow that to change...but right now, i don't even want to want him.
I'm not saying i want us to divorce, or even separate....but i know i don't, at this moment, desire anything other than we treat each other with respect, and be companionable housemates. Sure, it'd be less stressful and uncertain if he didn't have a woman on the side...but having been there, done that...i certainly understand his feelings. NOT that i will ever tell him (nor the counselor) about L. THAT is something i tend to take to my grave.
Besides, it's not pertinent to the current situation, as i'm not seeing him. i'd thought i might go down in the Fall, but it looks like that won't be happening either. But you never know.
I have to admit, i'm really proud of one thing right now. I haven't been turning to food. No binges, no overeating. Granted, i haven't completely gotten back on track after vacation, but i'm doing pretty well. Last night H made up one of the JiffyPops, and i ate more than enough of it (and i'm not a big popcorn fan).
But there was a time when i would've been so demoralized, and so depressed over what happened last weekend, that i would've simply given up. i'd've decided "what's the use?" of trying to lose weight, or work out, or take care of myself. I'd've been so overwhelmed by the uncertainty, the anger, the fear....that all that would've mattered was to stuff down and numb the feelings.
Now, oddly....although i'm still scared, uncertain, and a little angry....i'm not turning it inward, and i'm not trying to escape from the feelings. If anything, i feel MORE determined, and just plain stubborn about taking care of myself. Because when i do, i feel SO much more powerful, so much more confident, and so much stronger...that it makes the other situations in my life easier to deal with.
I suppose there's perhaps a little rebellion in there, too...a feeling of "i'm not going to let you "make" me fail any longer." But that's probably a good thing.
Heaven knows, i feel so much 'tougher' about wanting what I want. I think that will be beneficial if/when we go for marriage counseling, too. Mom said something the other day that bothered me. She said something to the effect that yes, i should go to counseling with H to "help HIM"...as if the problem is HIS, but the responsibility for fixing it is MINE. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I've spent far too much of my marriage worrying about his moods, his needs, his wants, his whims....i'm not going to settle for simply more of the same. If that's the case, then we may as well not waste the time and money on counseling. (frankly, i'm not so sure it's such a great idea anyway, but at least, in the end, we can say we tried). The point of marriage counseling (or so i think), isn't to help him...it's to help us....as a couple.
Anyway, i wandered off the topic....
I may not know exactly what i do want at this point, but one thing i'm sure of is that I don't want to go back to bingeing, or overeating, or sitting around feeling sorry for myself...i want to be DOING something FOR myself....to use the power i have to improve my life, to make it really MINE.
I'm not at all sure what that means in the long run...but then, i don't have to know this instant (or even tomorrow, next week, month, or year for that matter).