|Putting Myself Back Together (for now)|
July 25, 2004
Went to bed at 2am. Spent most of last night on picophone with L. It was comforting in its way, and i really needed that last night.
I finally did the one thing i hadn't done since this whole "situation" with H and his g/f. I cried. Bawled like a baby is more like it. Blubbered. Sobbed.
That's what the music was for...to create the proper "mood".
After the worst of the storm had passed, that's when i got on picophone with L. What i wanted (and obviously couldn't get) was to be held. Hugged tightly. Told everything would be OK (even it's not)
Almost everyone close to me (or even just reasonably close) has seen me cry at one time or another. I'm just that way...i wear my emotions close to the surface, though i'm good at holding them in (at least i think so).
But very, very few people have ever seen me do a complete meltdown. In fact, L may be the only one who ever has. And he's been privy to that spectacle on more than one occasion. In fact, i can think of maybe only one visit where i didn't come apart at the seams and end up nearly drowning the poor man.
Whatever else we are or aren't for one another, i have always felt "safe" with him in that respect....that it's "OK" for me to "let go" emotionally with him.
I'm more "guarded" with him than i used to be, unfortunately....distance does erode things. So does time....and the fading of those rose-colored glasses. But even so, when i feel the most vulnerable and fragile, he is still the one i feel most secure with, and most want (and turn to) for comfort.
I know he can't provide a solution, but i don't expect him to. Just to listen, let me know he cares, and then, make me laugh, so i can feel "normal" again. That's enough.
It's what i needed last night.
I cried for a lot of reasons...not all of them having to do with H's infidelity.
I do understand how he feels, as weird as that may sound. And i suppose, in a way, i could even be happy for him....if he'd handled it differently.
I know what it's like to fall in love so hard and so fast, and feel like your whole world is changing. But i didn't throw it in his face, and what guilt i felt (and yes, i DID feel guilty), i handled privately. I didn't orchestrate a way for him to "find out"...to expiate my own guilt.
So, i cried for how messed up this whole thing is. And i cried because i don't know where it's going, and i don't know how to make it work out. I don't know what to do...or even if there's anything i can do at this point.
Do i turn into a shrew? Do i kill him with kindness, while seething inside? Do i issue ultimatums, threats? Do i pretend it's all ok, and that i'm fine, even when i'm not?
I cried because i don't know.
I cried because even if the relationship is salvageable, even if we stay together, i doubt it will ever be more than it is now.
I cried out of self-pity: for all the wasted years, and all the years to come. I cried because i don't think i'll ever be loved again.
Staying with H assures that...i don't believe we're either of us able to feel that way about the other. We may stay partners, even friends....but beyond that? I don't see it.
And if we split up, there's no guarantee of finding someone else. I don't see myself even looking. One marriage is more than enough for a lifetime. It hurt when L told me that he didn't see himself ever marrying again...but i understand it better now.
But loneliness doesn't bother me. I've been lonely in my marriage for years. I suspect that i will continue to be so, until this is resolved. Being alone would be less lonely.
I cried over the uncertainty of it all, the sloppy, hurtful misunderstandings, the emptiness, the inability to make things "right".
H may be selfish and insensitive to the extreme, and i may be furious at him, and deeply hurt...but he's not a "bad" person. He can be cruel and blind, but seldom deliberately.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, to wait this out, to see if something good can come of it.
But in my heart, i feel that it will come with a very high price. And i'll be the one paying it. I don't believe H will change....he may make some superficial changes, for a while....but that it will be me that will be expected to "make it work". (by accommodating him, and supressing and denying my own needs...to feel safe, to feel loved, to be heard, respected....just as i've done all along)
I fear i'll lose my capacity to really feel....to ever really love or be loved. I'll let myself die inside, in order to stay.
I wonder how much of me has already died.
So, that was last night....
I woke up at 8 this morning with dark circles, swollen, puffy eyes, that ached and burned, and a head that throbbed. I had the emotional equivalent of a hangover.
Karen and i went out to breakfast at the new diner. More expensive and fancier than Jay's, but very nice. And no mere plates of food....we got platters! i brought home more than half of my meal. One order would easily have fed us both, and still have provided leftovers!
Got home and went back to bed for an hour and a half. I'd intended to go to the JCC this afternoon, but i never did manage to shake the headache, and the thought of the smell of the gym made me queasy...so i skipped working out today.
I did however fold the wash (finally. It'd been in the dryer since Friday night). Didn't fold H's, though. Thought about it, but decided if he could go off and have 'fun' this weekend, he could fold his own damn underwear when he gets home!
I went out to MediaPlay, found 2 out of 3 things i wanted, but they were overpriced, and the CD i'd really wanted they didn't have. So i came home and checked out Overstock.com....and for only $2 more than i'd've spent at MediaPlay, i got all three things i wanted...AND they'll be delivered to my door. Definitely worth it.
I finished reading Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay (one of the things i ordered). The conclusion the book seemed to lead me to is that i should leave. But i'm still ambivalent.
And for now, i think it's ok to be ambivalent. Eventually, i know i'll have to make a decision, or have one made FOR me. But not quite yet (i hope). I do highly recommend the book.
I borrowed a couple of DVD's from Karen this morning, and this evening i watched "Mystic River" Very good movie.
Watched a little TV, and have L on picophone as i write this. He's watching a Jackie Chan movie. I'm not quite in the mood, so i decided to write an entry instead.
And now that i have...i think it's time for bed. Goodnight.