|Over Lunch // Other Stuff from Sunday|
August 1, 2004
ME: "I still love you. I'm mad at you and very hurt, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. In fact, if i didn't care, i wouldn't BE hurt or angry. Maybe I don't show you enough, or in ways you can recognize, but I wanted you to know, I do still love you."
HIM: "Thanks for telling me." No attempt at reciprocation...though he did work at cleaning the basement for about an hour this afternoon.
Did i really mean it? I'm not 100% sure...i wouldn't say i lied...but he's always been a hard man to love.....
There may be no hope at all...but it can never be said i didn't try. And i know that by being "nice" to him, and proving i'm doing all i can....it can only make it harder for him. Good. Since i can't outright poison the bastard...i'll kill him with kindness!!! (maybe all his guilt'll give him a heart attack!)
Other Stuff from Sunday
Karen and i went out to breakfast at the nice new diner again. We really should remember to order only ONE entree when we go. We both took home half our meals! (breakfast wraps today)
We also stopped at the grocery store so she could pick up some dog treats. I found these 2 cute dog toys: one's a stuffed pink pig that 'oinks' when you squeeze it. Panache loves the bowling ball my uncle gave her for her birthday...it talks when squeezed, too...and she figured out the right way to bite it so it'll 'talk' to her. I thought she'd like the pink pig, too.
Then there was this soft, fake sheepskin cylinder with a squeaker inside. She prefers soft toys, so i thought she'd like that, too. I couldn't make up my mind which one to buy....so i bought them both!
I also bought the Sunday paper for H. i'm killin' him with kindness....
But i also have my little "rebellions"...like not folding his clothes (or hanging them outside, either. All of his stuff goes in the dryer, and then is unceremoniously dumped in the laundry basket for him to deal with. Karen laughs at me for that...since it's such a meaningless, petty thing...but it's something...and it does feel good)
On the way to the checkout, we had to walk pass the cards. I found one that i just HAD to buy to send to Lois. It was an "old-timey" type photo of 3 young girls in tee shirts and baseball caps. The inside read: "we learned it all in kindergarten: Boys are stupid!"
I came home and named each of the girls' pictures: Lois, Karen, WH. I added the following message inside: "That says it all, doesn't it? Love, WH", and put it out in the mail.
I worked out this afternoon, and was really proud of myself. i did the 3 mile tape, and when i was done, instead of feeling exhausted, i actually felt like i could've done more! And while i was working out, i noticed that i was putting more into it, more energy, better pace. Felt great!!
Later, H and i went out to eat. I had a very interesting experience at lunch. We'd gone out for Mexican. I ate one of the two enchiladas, and most of the black beans, and then actually sat there and tried to decide WHY i wanted to eat the rest of the beans and the other enchilada.
I had this whole internal dialog going: "Am i really hungry? Am i feeling stressed over eating out with H? Am i trying to avoid feeling stressed?"
It took a couple minutes, but my conclusion was: I was HUNGRY. Not emotional....just hungry. So i ate the rest of my lunch (except for a few spoonsful of rice)
And tonight we took Panache out for custard. I requested a child-size cone of my favorite fat-and-sugar free custard. It was good. It was enough.
I know i ate several hundred calories more today than i have in the last few weeks (like 500-600). But i didn't feel stuffed, or even 'full'. i just felt 'comfortably satisfied'. i guess i can live with that.
After we came home from lunch, i dragged out my camp chair, the cd player, the folding table (to put the CD player on), some CD's, my jug of water, my journal, and a couple magazines. I sat outside and wrote and listened to music.
H, meanwhile, spent some time cleaning down in the basement. He also phoned the rabbi, and faxed info to the cemetery regarding the unveiling for his father. Would you believe the rabbi told him to bring masking tape??!! I can just see airport security questioning THAT in his luggage!! "But it's for my father's headstone!" UH huh...we both laughed over that.
Doesn't matter that the laughter is forced. At least we're laughing.
Karen, Panache, and i took a walk around the block this evening, and then H & i took Panache out to Abbott's for custard.
When we got home, i sat outside again until it was nearly completely dark, and the mosquitos thought i was a smorgasbord. Came in, watched some TV, chatted with L...and now H has gone off to bed (he's got to get up early to bring his car in to the dealer's for an oil change)
I have to let Karen's dogs out tomorrow. She told me to feel free to use her phone to call lawyers..and that i can leave her number for them to call back and leave a message. i don't want H to know i'm consulting a lawyer.
Frankly, I don't really WANT to be consulting one, either...but i can't deny what's going on, either...i really do need to know what to expect, what i'm entitled to, and what, if anything i can/should do to protect myself.
Even if H and i never lived "Happily Ever After", it still wasn't supposed to be this way. But...it is what it is. Until it isn't.