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My One True Life by wayward heart
November 2014
1An Unwxpected Journwy
4My Last Night
7Another Chapter Begins
8A Better Day
9A Lazy Sunday
12Happy Birthday To Me
13As The Days Go By
14Always Something
15Who's That Nibbling On My House?
19Settling In
21WARNING: Whining, Whinging, And General Pity Party
23Still Homesick
24It's The Little Things
27Sorrowful, Grateful
28Thanksgiving Recap
29The Stockings Are Here....

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An Unwxpected Journwy
November 1, 2014

This afternoon, Panache crossed over the Rainbow Bridge. To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. But I know it was the right thing to do.......for her sake. The medications werenít helping. It was clear she was in pain.

Last night, around 1 am, the pain was so bad, she wasnít just whimpering or crying, she was barking ..... short barks with her head thrown back. And then she would look at me, pleading me to help her, and all I could do was pet her, talk to her, and hoist her up with a towel so she could stand for a minute or two, and then lie back down.

I couldnít bear seeing her in such agony.She didnít want to eat or drink anything. She wanted me to sit by her. So I did....for most of the night.

I called the house call vet yesterday and made an appointment for him to come today. By the middle of last night, I knew what the outcome of his visit would be.

He was very kind. Her passing was peaceful. First he gave her a shot to put her to sleep. Then he brought her into the guest room, lay her down with her head in my lap, and gave her the other shot. As it took effect, I could see her body just unwind and relax, and she slipped gently into that good night.

I still canít believe sheís gone. I keep thinking sheís asleep in the bedroom, and will be coming out soon, demanding her tea and cookie time. The house feels so empty. So does my heart.

I used to tell Mom I wouldnít move to Florida until Panache was gone. Little did I know how prophetic that was. Illogical as it seems, I canít help feeling that had I not decided to move, she might still be alive.

Iím sorry if this entry is disjointed. Iím too upset to think clearly, and I am writing this on my tablet, meaning Iím typing with none finger.

Iím using my Kindle because Karen and Scott came over this morning and helped me clear out the kitchen cabinets, and get more stuff ready for the packers and the junk man One of the things Karen did was unplug my computer and get it off the computer desk. Iím not taking the desk, the junk man is coming tomorrow, so it needed to be clear. Once she got the computer dismantled, it didnít make sense to reassemble it, so Iíll use my Kindle til Ties.

The junk man was supposed to come today (though Iím glad he didnít, given the circumstances) . He called in the morning from the U-Haul place. He said they had nothing the right size available for today. Iím supposed to meet him there tomorrow and put the truck rental on my credit card. Iím a lot leery about doing that......but I donít see that I have much choice. I donít have a lot of time before I have to leave.

On the one hand, Iím glad to be going, because staying here without Panache is too sad to contemplate. On the other hand, I have no energy or desire to pack up. I just donít care about anything right now.

Thank God for Scott and Karen......they did so much work, and bolstered me. Iím blessed to have such friends. Iím going to miss them.

Iím going to miss work, and my house, too. I feel like Iím losing everything I hold dear. I know retiring and moving were my idea, and itís a good thing.....but losing Panache along with all the other changes, is just too much all at once.

This is not what I had planned. I wanted us all to be together. Mom is devastated, too. She was so looking forward to Panache being there.

My sweet baby girl is gone. I hope she is with her Popsie now.

Sleep well, Patootie Pie. Mommy will always love you.
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