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I guess I have to grow up. by khh6
 
April 2005
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4/13/05
April 13, 2005

Feeling: good……………………..



Thanks to everyone for their comments. It is one of the things I like most about this way of keeping a journal. Getting others perspectives and insights helps me look at things form many different angles. I like that. I learn a lot doing that. Keeps the balance in my life……………………



Back is feeling better. Just a little discomfort so it is healing. I have worked hard at getting in shape and tend to forget now that I feel pretty good that I can never go back to the way I did things before. Just a fact of life. No matter how good I feel I can never again lift things like I was 20. LOL Inside I feel much younger than I know I look on the outside…………………………….



I can not begin to explain how journaling has changed my life. This is the first time I committed to something like this for the duration of my experience during the divorce. I wanted to use this to take a look at myself and see/read/understand who I was and why I felt the way I did. I wanted to learn not to do the things I know hurt my relationships in my life. I wanted to find myself again…………………………………



I can say that I have done this. It is a little shaky sometimes but I have done it. Funny that it has come at a time that I had to rebuild my entire life. LOL not the mid life crisis most get. It seems that to get my attention it takes a lot sometimes………………………..



There is no clear ending to this kind of pursuit. It involves so many parts of me that to say nothing will surface again and need to be dealt with is not realistic. What is realistic is that I have the tools in place to deal with it. I know how to make new tools……………………



Now all that is left is a clean slate. An empty picture….well not really empty. I have my son in this picture. The relationship we have is strong and continues to grow. I have my friends and the relationships I have developed with them. My work is good and my art is coming back into focus. The finical end is working and will (within a couple of years) be stable again. Personally I have made good use of this time to make my body strong and improve my health in a manner that was slow and steady. Sustainable and healthy………………………………



Each time I write about this it seems to come into a clearer focus. This picture of my life as it is now. It is a lot to look at all at once so I try not to do it often. I try to chunk it up and take on one or two things at a time while living at the same time. Multi tasking with things like this does not work for me. I miss too much. Tend to become overwhelmed and stop doing what I need to do……………………..



I see that there is no chunk to deal with now. Not that I am perfect. More that I understand myself enough to work with what I have to work with. That for me is the biggest accomplishment in my life. I can live a happy life with who I am. I can love my family and friends with who I am and that is enough…………………….



One thing I have never talked about much in here is the spiritual part of my life. I consider this very personal. The reason is I look at the people in this world and view them as all being on their own spiritual paths. No one is right no one is wrong just different. So I don’t include this part as it is just mine and no one else’s. I do have to say that without this I could not have done what I have done up to now. It is in my life daily…………………..



Things I am thankful for:……………………..



Another day without smoking……………………



Feeling better………………………..



Springtime………………………………..
 
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