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I guess I have to grow up. by khh6
June 2005

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June 20, 2005

Feeling: Good……………………

It has been interesting to pay attention to how I have been feeling. It is such a change from the last few months. I am not taking this for granted. With the graduation and seeing my ex and sister together. I then received a letter from my sister after the graduation outlining how I have not been a good brother and basically placing the blame on me for the deterioration of the relationship between us. Well there was a time not too long ago when this would have sent me into a tail spin. What happened now caught me by surprise……………………..

I wrote about the graduation and how it was really nice. I felt really good about how I handled that. When I received the letter last Wednesday I did not even want to open it. My brother had come down to see my son since he was unable to attend the graduation the week before. I did not want anything to spoil the evening so I waited until after he left to open the letter. As I read I just felt sorry for her (my sister). I really don’t understand what is going on with her. I do know I do not want the drama in my life that she brings. It is just too hard on me. I thought about writing back….LOLOL you know she only lives a few miles away and calling would be the adult thing to do. I decided not to respond. It is a no win situation. No matter what I say or do we will both lose…..we already have really………………………..

I am not cold hearted and have given this a lot of thought. I really don’t want her in my life under the present circumstances. So much anger and depression to deal with. Sad that the two most important woman in my life were so toxic to me. Ah the choices we make………………………..

I at last have an understand of why I chose the way I did. This is the thing I have been working for in my life. To understand myself well enough to make room for better choices. To open myself to a better life……a happy life. One filled with love and the ability to be happy and appreciate the world around me. To be connected to this world. To belong in this world……………………..

Each day as I walk to work and around town I am amazed at the number of people I now know. Smiling and saying hello. Talking about the day and what is going on. Them sharing their lives with me and me with them. Some closer then others but still enjoying them. I am not the same man I was a few years ago. I am not the boy that was so afraid to talk or make a mistake. I am not the lonely man living on the outside of life looking in at the people unafraid to live. I am just a guy that is making his way the best he can. Shaking the dust off when I am dirty and moving on……………………..

I had an early morning visitor Sunday morning. I left the window open in the hall and it has no screen. Well I put a big garbage bag in the hall from cleaning the night before and when I opened my door in the morning there were chicken bones strewn down the hall and on my steps. As I looked up I see a little city squirrel sitting on the back roof watching me………LOLOL I had to laugh at the look on his face. Breathing hard from his run down the hall and I am sure the long jump through the window to the roof……………………

I never realized squirrels ate meat until last year when I saw on coming down the ally towards me with a chicken wing in his mouth. As squirrels do as soon as new saw me he panicked. He jumped for a post about three feet tall sunk into the concert and went down the hollow center of it. I had to ask myself how there could still be squirrels given how dumb they can be when it comes to crossing streets and in this case “hiding” in this hollow post that I just walked up to and looked inside……..the poor little thing was hiding and still had that chicken wing in it’s mouth………………………..

I did laugh about Father’s day. My son and I went to do laundry and had to stop at the store for soap before going. There was an announcement on the speakers in the store about Father’s day while we shopped. Them when we got to the laundry there was a program on TV about it. He never mentioned it to me and while we were standing there folding clothes I said that he should let me just sit and he should fold all the clothes for Father’s day. There was this blank look on his face and he said he didn’t know it was today…….can you say a little hurt? Well it is like him not to remember things like this yet. He still has a long way to go in that regard………………………..

All in all it was a nice weekend. Weather was really nice and I did relax a lot of the time. Did things I liked to do and enjoyed myself…………………………..

Things I am thankful for:………………………..

A few more steps on the path to my future………….

My early morning visitor that made me laugh…………………..

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