October 31, 2013
Been having dreams about my fear that people wonít love me. Now at 58 I see the world differently but these go way back to childhood. What is left is the energy those thoughts created years ago. The thing I face now is draining off that energy that was trapped when this happened. I remember I was maybe 3 or 4 when I thought this. I remember thinking about leaving home but realizing I was not big enough to work or take care of myself for lack of money and a place to live. So I decided to stay. Things were never the same for me with my family. I never trusted them again. Still donít really. The day I turned 18 I moved out and never went back. Some siblings I have not talked to in decades. ÖÖÖ..not that it makes any difference now. What matters is draining this energy and putting that trigger behind me. My family is what it is and my parents did what they could do as parents. No bad feelings toward them. I do have siblings I avoid because they are really fucked up and I canít tolerate being around them. If they were people not related to me I would avoid them. Not bad people just people I canít trust.
So this morning I used my tools and made another step toward being free from these past feelings.
I have been losing weight. I noticed it when I tied my shoes today. I didnít have to struggle so much as I did a couple of weeks ago. I am eating one meal a day. I do have an apple in the afternoon but that is pretty much it for the day. It was hard at first but it has gotten easier. I hope I am not hurting my body while I do this. My body feels good. I seem to have more energy and I move easier with less pain. I am taking that as a sign that I am doing ok.
Things I am thankful for:
Another day on the earth