October 27, 2020
Feeling: tired but good
My son came home Saturday evening. We spent the last couple days talking and having fun. I can see the change in him. Hear it in his words. See it in his actions. He’s still on shaky ground but he has the tools to rebuild his life. It hurts my heart to hear him with some of the things he tells me. As a parent you never want your child to feel pain even when that child is an adult. I also understand that he has to feel this. Has to move through this. Let it wash over him. Let him see it and let him move past it. All the while deciding how he feels about it as an adult and how he will allow it to fit into his life.
His mother falls into this category. She wants so much from him emotionally. Always has. Even when he was a baby. She took comfort from him not give comfort to him. Really odd thing to see. She has a deep need to be needed. She has a deep need to be validated by those around her.
My visit was the best I have ever had with Sean. He was open and in the moment. Voiced his need for the things he needed to do for himself. We laughed until we had tears rolling down our cheeks. I feel so good today. He even brought his pup Vincent Van Disel. Love that dog. I have to say. This is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
We talked about my situation too. What I need to do for myself to be in a better place physically. That was hard to do for some reason. Drawing attention to something I haven’t been able to deal with effectively. A perceived shortcoming. Admitting to my son I needed help. Tough to do for me. No wonder he doesn’t or didn’t ask for help. One thing I wished I hadn’t passed along to him.
I don’t think I have ever had a moment with my son that was as good as the last two days.
Things I am thankful for:
time with my son
laughing till we cried
For the first time in a long time I can feel thankful. I have so missed it. That feeling of thankfulness. That peaceful moment when you realize that all is right with the world and you are in the place you're supposed to be. The world is in chaos and I can feel at peace. Feel that the world will sort itself out. That the things outside my control are okay without my energy. Without my need to anticipate the outcome. The world is good.