|Dear Dr. Trust Chips|
July 13, 2010
Hello Dr. Trust Chips
It's been about two weeks since we last talked. From that conversation I left with what I thought were two options, continue seeing you because I pay you to do that work on the headaches and continue to play the roles. Or we can go farther and try and figure out the issues of attachment, opening up and trusting. The later of two seems really, really hard and drives a lot of fear - I fear I'm just broken. In reality, finding out you are broken as opposed to thinking you just are seems like the better choiI ce. It's easier and hurts less but is exhausting and a pletiful cop out for my family.
2 days ago, I told Mike I'm just looking for that pain and I would not continue. Then he left for Chicago and the same old feeling scooped up my soul and looked it in chains. Mike says we are leaving for vacation the day I get back, it can't start cold. I don't want to be cold any more. Thus leads me to this email.
We are leaving for our vacation on Friday so I cannot make it to see before then. I understand you don't know how to reach me, if I had the code to the trust chips to give you I would. The fact that I'm crying while writing this email should help to show you that I am serious about wanting to figure out this emotional thing. Saddness kinda puts a damper on my general optimistic disposition...ha!
I want to do what is best for my family, I want to understand what's broken and I want to fix it. My fear is it cant be fixed or we cannot out how. Are you willing for the challenge? If so, I'll hand you my key and speak openly with you. I liken my growing up years to the bad Made for tv B movie - yet over came, I got out and I am success. I work hard, I parent harder and look after everyone but me .. I want to love hard. Mike deserves this from me, my children deserve the ability to form warm relationships and I'm responsibile of teaching them. If I fail at anything in life - this cannot be it. There is too much at stake.
I didn't want to leave you hanging, wondering if I had disappeared. I've been struggling, weighing pain against saddness and exhaustedness ... headed for the 'Happiest Place on Earth' for two weeks with the best little people and one grreat husband has shown me - I don't want to be sad. Can we start working again in August? Here's my chips, I don't know the code to get to them .. but I know I have them with you.