May 21, 2017
We are less than 2 weeks from graduation and I seem to cry everyday. Sometimes people see it but most times I keep it hidden. The most recent seen cry was after an argument with John. He's 18, he SHOULD be able to do what he wants without any respect for this house or the people who pay for it. After a long drawn out ordeal, I've concluded he just wants to know he's loved. I believe a simple reach out from Mike to tell him sometimes he is loved. A simple act of following him on snapchat or twitter. But no John is blocked from all that contact. It's not without merit as John is so rude but I believe it would be a step in one direction.
Last night, I let him go out with his friends. I compromised asked him to be home by Midnight. He wondered where his 'compromise' was. He always pushes, always wants his way .. and it's going to end badly.
I'm just at a loss, I'm so upset all the time and my heart has broken into a thousand pieces each and every day.
In other news, I had an hour long chat with my Mom's youngest sister last night. I suppose she could be my Aunt but she is only 7 months older than me. I'm reminded that I am so isolated right now. I'm desperately in need a solid good friend that I can laugh and cry with. They don't exist. I haven't felt this alone before.
Austen received a few scholarships so we are so happy for her. I worry about her ability to stick with it once she is away from my constant mother hening. I know they need to move into their own life. Their own decision making space, but where does that leave me? for the last 19 years my life has been about them. I'm not even sure who I am without them.