May 17, 2015
The mind is certainly a strange thing. I have about three or four songs on repeat, and at any given time they overlap and switch. These include (at the moment):
Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart"
The Rolling Stones "Dead Flowers"
Speaking of the Stones, we'll be seeing them in a month in Nashville. Also, while we're in Nashville, we're going to visit The Grand Ole Opry. One city, two items off the bucket list while all part of the tour.
I've mentally begun prepping for it and getting some small things that we'll need. I've also saved up some cash for whatnots and mementos. I'll be in Des Moines on a Saturday and hopefully will be able to go to the Farmer's Market, and the Johnston Green Days celebration...oh and partake in plenty of Tasty Tacos,but I can do that on any day.
I've been exchanging emails with my brother JT. Some of them have been intensely emotional. WE've had our past issues, and we're trying to sort out where we are, how we feel, understand each other and move forward if in fact we can.
I mentioned a 'secret' which I'm not sure he knows about, and my source is our shit-stirring, gossip, nose-in-everybody's-business, liked-to-throw-shit-in-your-face stepmother (rest her soul).
I didn't do it to hurt him, but in an attempt to explain or try to explain why we were treated (he especially) so poorly. But then I realized much to my surprise because I hadn't really thought too much about this before...my father had sons with three different women, and I am his only daughter...but am I? Not his only, but his? This has stirred up even more emotions, and curiosity. The one person who could tell me the truth is also gone. Well, I suppose my father could, but maybe even he doesn't know.
When I was younger, I wanted a "normal" family. In my mind, this meant a family who was not divorced or participated in adultery, abuse, or alcoholism. It's funny how time gives us a different perspective. I mean I now know there's no such thing as "normal." Every family, and well, person for that matter, has his or her skeletons.
All of that to say, there's a sordid past, and perhaps we'll never know the truth, and, if it's just too painful, do our best to move past it. I don't want this 'bomb' of knowledge to hurt anyone, and as I said, I can only guess at the validity. I'm not even sure why I said anything save for the fact I was asked if there was anything I needed to tell my brother as now would be the time.
If we are truthful, careful and mindful of how, maybe we can unravel this more than Shakespearian clusterfuck.
Not only is my head full of opposing tunage, family issues, but my hearing STILL hasn't returned to pre-illness 'normal.'
Love and Light~