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August 2018

Got That Feeling
August 8, 2018

I guess I'll start writing again...

Yesterday was almost the same as every other, except that I had time to become acquainted with my new phone, which arrived on Monday. I held onto the old for as long as I could (8 years, I think), but it's just not going to cut it anymore. Not with the way that all of the tech nerds live for such things. We don't even need to be "chipped" under the skin now. Game over.

It is all fun and games if you are on the other side of the "walled garden" as my brother likes to call it. He is tech-literate, but doesn't write code or develop apps or whatever these processor-worshipping sycophants do in their ivory towers. It is an apt description, though, because those inside the walled garden hold the keys to the kingdom.

I've recently finally relented and have tentatively adopted a new life philosophy: Namely, that no matter what, at age 45 now, I am living the last days of my life.
"No matter what" meaning if I live another 48 hours, or another 44 years (HIGHLY DOUBTFUL, and not really wanted, either), it is still the last days of my life.

This doesn't depress me.
Of course I wish I could do the things I could do just even 10 years ago, like take off at a dead sprint without a second's notice for 40 yards or so, and not even think twice about pulling anything or straining. I was very good on my feet.
The problem is now, and seems like it will be for a while, these two hernias that the doctors won't operate on unless I get a new liver.

And I know what my odds of that really are, given my age, history, etc.
At the very bottom of the list will I be, and I haven't even made it the full year yet with being sober just to be remotely considered being put on a transplant list.
I was sober from October until early March, then had a bloody (literally) relapse, and then was sober until mid-June, when I was winding up for a complete meltdown again, full of blood and eventual near-unconsciousness. Still ended up in the hospital due to complications of mild (which would have progressed to full-on psychotic drinking) drinking, the prescriptions I was taking, and a reaction to a contrast dye injection.
So literally, I screwed myself until next June, which I can handle as long as this is considered to be a life-threatening/ending prognosis kind of thing.
If I have to go back to work I will probably just end up having a heart attack due to all of the stress of having to find a job, staying at the job, losing and gaining benefits, healthcare issues, money issues...the lot of it all.
Right now I am in a safe spot, away from all of that headache. It's just a matter of filling in the empty hours that gets to me.
I do have medical appointments and group therapy sessions to go to, and I actually like going to the therapy ones, but I only have three more of those and then I'm pretty much on my own unless I want to sit in on the classes I've previously taken.
The local VA is setting up a support group on Fridays (that's in the works) where the group will be only three miles away from me, which should help out immensely. Perfect day before a long weekend, although all of my days are long.
It'll beat driving 25 miles to go to the ones I've been slogging through since mid-April.
So yeah, I got acquainted with the phone, and my brother helped me pick out a new router for it and the laptop at home, because I was getting hosed by the cable company for their "services."
Not that I could provide those services to myself, as most people can't, either - but they relentlessly tack on baloney charges. Like paying for a cable hookup and then also charging for the internet service. Where I live I would still have to pay the cable hookup, even if I didn't have a t.v. (which I don't) or a computer to connect to the internet with.
So there's the cable hookup (monthly) fee, then the internet charges, and then on top of all that I have to pay for my phone's plan and also pay off the phone in increments. All told it's about 160 bucks a month, I'd guess. With the way that things are heading though people won't need the cable hookup much longer, but I'm sure the telecom industries already foresee that happening and the rates will be just be recouped. Can't win.

by Zombalaya
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