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October 2018

Reap What You Sow
October 10, 2018

I did have to be hospitalized over the weekend for the umpteenth blood transfusion I've had to have now.
I had an appointment at the VA clinic on Friday morning, and I was dragging. The nurse did her prelims and I waited for the doctor, a new one that had taken the place of the last new one I had assigned by the VA. This is the third one this year.
He eventually comes in through the back door of the office and goes to to sit at his computer, and the first thing he says to me is that I need to go to the hospital, TODAY.
I meekly argued for a little while, saying how I had experienced the blood loss (through vomiting) almost two weeks prior, but he was having none of that.
It was either get transported from the VA to the local emergency room and get admitted for a transfusion (which the VA would cover all of) or he had to put him down as AMA - Against Medical Advice, which would have left me to my own devices.

Looking back I'm glad I went, of course, even though it was a chore of sorts. I'm still unsure that my insides are fully healed, either. I still have pain, ulcer-like, and my hernias are not happy, either. The space between the umbilical one and the surgical one feels like it is expanding, tearing.

So how much longer do I have? Who knows.
I just know it's going to really suck if I start to go downhill, and if I ever hear the C-word I am just throwing in the towel. I'm not going to even try to fight cancer if that rears its ugly head.
My brother still holds out hope that I will be able to get a new liver, but I am more realistic. I can't even pay the bills I have now, and I keep landing back in the hospital for further treatments. A horrible nail in this coffin would be if disability is discontinued, because there is no way that I can work.

So every day is kind of really gray for me. I don't get depressed most of the time, I just get really, really unmotivated.

I've been having dreams of my mom lately, the past two or three days anyway. I think it's partially because I am reading this book on visualization and I end up getting sleepy, as I always read in bed, no matter what time of day it is. I can start dreaming within 5 minutes of nodding off.
I just woke up from one a little while ago where she was in it, and I was asking about this little chihuahua we used to have when I was a kid, named Tiger. I kept asking if she knew where Tiger was, and my mom played her typical ditzy part, the same way she did in life.

So those are my days: sleep, eat, read the news, read a book, repeat. I'd write more here but again I just don't feel the motivation to do so most of the time, although I go through spurts.
About the only thrilling thing to think about this week is how much rain we are going to get from this hurricane.
Politics have now thoroughly disgusted me. The American future is not going to be a good one. Eventually all of this evil our government has done in our name is going to come full circle, most likely economically. It could be worse, but I just can't see any type of actual war going down except for proxy wars fought in the desert or on the African continent. It still blows my mind how under control that huge continent is.
by Zombalaya
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